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Recently I came across these words I had written down about eight months into my widow journey. I trust they might resonate with you, no matter where you are in the journey. And as I read these words again, I realize I am STILL making excuses to God about the path I am on! The circumstances may change, but I continue my need to be fully dependent on God.

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Moses said to the Lord, “Pardon your servant, Lord. I have never been eloquent…I am slow of speech and tongue… Please send someone else.”
Exodus 4:10-13 NIV

Moses. He called me Moses!

I miss it, the sound of his voice calling me that silly name.

I am not sure how it even started. Perhaps it began when he spelled Mom. M-O-M became Mo, then Mo became Mosay. Finally he landed with Moses. Yep, it makes no better sense when I write it out here than it did when he would say it out loud!

Little did I know how appropriate and perhaps prophetic that name would be.

Moses. I am like a little Moses, leading my little band of Israelites (well, actually, children—six of them to be exact) to the Promised Land.

Moses wasn’t very excited about being the leader of the Israelites, and neither am I sometimes.

He made excuses. ”I’m no good at speaking. I wasn’t raised like the Israelites.” For crying out loud, he had even murdered an Egyptian! Moses must have figured God had forgotten about those tidbits of unqualifying information.

Am I any different?

I make excuses to God. I tell Him I don’t qualify at being the sole leader of this sextet of 18-5 year olds. I can’t keep track of money in my checkbook. I can’t help with the advanced math homework. “Pardon Your servant,” I tell Him, “but I have control and co-dependency issues! Just ask my counselor!” Surely God has forgotten how ill-prepared I am to lead alone. You name an excuse, and I have probably used it at some point or another.

How did God react to Moses?

God stepped into the story and used the weaknesses of the characters to create a beautiful masterpiece of His design. He reached through the excuses and pardon me’s and gave Moses the confidence to lead.

Like Moses, I also must go before God with my inadequacies.

How does God my Father react to MY excuses?

He quietly reminds me that my “competence comes from God” (2 Corinthians 3:5)

I pray for strength to lead when all I want to do is follow. Stand when I just want to curl up in a ball.

When I get to that place, I remember what God promised Moses that “I will help you…I will teach you.”

God has shown up so many times over the last six months. When I didn’t think I could be strong one more minute, He gave me strength. When I wanted to stay in bed and just be alone, God sent hugs and kisses from a sweet innocent youngster. When I couldn’t stand firm another minute, He held up my arms in the battle.

God keeps intervening just like the cloud-pillar by day and the fire-pillar by night. God sends friends to keep a kid overnight. God sends a godly man to take my son to dinner and a movie. God sends a sister who knows all of my past to take my hand and pull me to breakfast.

He says to me, “I will help you…I will teach you.”

He knows how we don’t qualify, and that is exactly why we do qualify.

Totally dependent on God. Every Day. Every Way.

Dear Father, thank You that there is nothing in me that qualifies me to lead my family. I am weak and fainthearted. Give me eyes to see a special moment this week where You helped me or taught me. Lead me when I am ready to quit. Remind me to depend on Your strength daily and not my own. Allow me time to meditate on all You are blessing me with, and all I can be today. In Jesus’ Name, Amen