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“For a day in Your courts is better than a thousand outside…”
Psalm 84:10 (NASB)

Lord, help me.

I don’t understand Your will. I must endure. Why can’t I just submit with a smile on my face?

Instead of being upset, I should be grateful.

My husband suddenly died of a heart attack and Valentine’s Day was the last time that I saw him alive. How ironic that Valentine’s Day is about heartfelt love, and my husband’s heart was taken the very next day. At least I was able to have a nice conversation and dinner with him, but I didn’t know that it was goodbye. I didn’t get to wish him well on his next journey. I was fast asleep when he left for work the next morning. At least I said “I love you” the night before.

I miss him and in some ways, I am upset at him for leaving and angry at God for taking him. He was only fifty-seven years old. This shouldn’t have happened. Now, I have to carry on without him. Accepting my new life hasn’t been easy. I have been put into new situations that I thought I would never need to cope with.

So now I’m trying to get unstuck.

I don’t want the anguish and anger that his death has caused me. I’m upset from being alone and doing everything myself. Some people tell me, “Bloom where you are planted.” Sometimes I’m successful, sometimes I do it poorly, and some days I don’t do it at all.

“Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary.”
Galatians 6:9 (NASB)

Yet, I can still have hope.

My life can get better. Even though I don’t know what my definition of better is, the Lord has a plan for me. I have a new relationship with Him. The Lord is my husband. Jesus is the best one to turn to when I need answers.

I should consider the Lord’s gift to my husband and me. He gives us a present that my husband has already unwrapped and I have yet to hold. The Lord has given us grace and eternal life. My husband is enjoying both, right now. Yet I still feel stuck in the world when the Lord decides what is best for me. I just don’t understand.

Even so, I know His will is sovereign.

Acceptance of my life beyond human control is somewhat of an art.

I get better at it the more I practice.

I get stronger when I use the exercise of acceptance. Like a muscle, developing acceptance is hard work. There’s no gym or personal trainer. But the Lord can take on the teacher role. I need to learn how to do things in my life that I thought were impossible. Fitness can be a lot of things. It can be getting up on a ladder and changing a lightbulb. Maybe negotiating a deal at the auto body shop. It can be learning how to spend a holiday alone. But the Lord will never abandon me. Yet I still need constant reminders that the Lord is for me. I know that when I discipline myself through faith, my trust in the Lord becomes real. The Lord is my rock that doesn’t move. I can earn experience throughout my life and be sure that things will get better.

“Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen.”
Hebrews 11:1 (NASB)

I can always look to His word for comfort. When I am discouraged the Lord can give me His wisdom and unfailing love. Sometimes I manage my stress over the loss with meditations and mantras. I think “Give thanks and trust God.” “Go forward with the Lord.” Also, and most importantly, “Focus on You, Jesus.” And Jesus cares even when I feel like I do not. Yet, I choose contentment. There is a reason for my suffering. It develops faith.

We live by faith, and faith comes from trust.

So now I sow seeds of faith, not doubt. When I allow myself to trust the Lord, I can see His will for my life clearly. Thoughts of disappointment fade away. I can rest in Him. I no longer need to control everything. The Lord will never give up on me. He is here to stay. He cannot let me down. His gracious arms hold me tight and comfort me. The Lord cares always. I have confidence in Him. I allow the joy of the Lord into my life.

“This is a day which the Lord has made;
Let us rejoice and be glad in it.”
Psalm 118:24 (NASB)

Lord, I implore You. Help me to turn to You and know Your ways when I am discouraged with my walk with widowhood. I ask that I have Your heart and know Your love during the ever-present need for You. Allow me the confidence and peace that only You can give me. I ask these things in Your precious name, Jesus.