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Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.
Philippians 4:8 (ESV)

Can I be honest with you? I mean, really honest?

Sometimes I read the posts and comments from my widow sisters on the blog, and I just feel out of place. So many of you had amazing husbands who were Godly men—the spiritual leaders of your home and wonderful fathers.

That wasn’t my husband.

My husband professed faith in Christ, but he rarely cracked open his Bible and never attended church with us. He was not the spiritual leader I craved. He wasn’t a very involved dad either. Often he chose to watch a game on TV, go out with friends, or even just take a nap over spending time on a family activity.

He wasn’t a bad person, and he was doing the best he could. His own father walked out on the family when he was a little boy. He grew up with a terribly abusive stepfather. He wasn’t taken to church or taught the importance of a faith community. He just didn’t have positive male role models in his life to teach him how to be a father and husband.

So when I read about your wonderful husbands, I feel a longing to have the type of memories you do. I find myself wishing we would have had more time for him to grow and change into the man I hoped he would become.

I’m not the only one, right? It feels like it sometimes though. Surely there are others of you who know how I feel. I can’t be the only one with a less-than-perfect husband and marriage. As widows, we can be reluctant to speak of anything less than the good about our late husbands. It just doesn’t feel right to say something negative about a man who isn’t here to defend himself.

So we keep our mouths shut. We stuff our feelings inside. We retreat from the community because we don’t feel like anyone can relate to us. But in doing so, we isolate ourselves.

Isolation is the enemy’s favorite weapon against us.

Many holidays can make this feeling of being alone, of being the only one with a less than ideal situation, grow. There is so much talk about all the wonderful things Dad does. Widows with children look for ways to celebrate the father their husband was. There are lots of great ideas, but none seem to fit our own situation.

So what do we do?

First, know you are not alone.

Not every widow is mourning the loss of an amazing husband and father. That doesn’t make your grief any less. You may have craved a stronger marriage, a Godly husband, but you still miss and mourn the man he was. And, like me, you likely grieve for what could have been. The enemy would have you believe that no one else is feeling the same, but you can rest assured that at least this widow is in the same boat with you.

Next, focus on the positive.

Philippians 4:8 comes to mind (see verse above). In our humanness, it is easy to focus on what we would have changed in our husbands. But our whole attitude can change when we choose to focus on what he did right….even if it’s only one thing.

When my children were still young, we talked about Dad a lot. I wanted them to have a positive but realistic image of their father. We talked honestly about the things that we would like to have been different, but we talk even more about the things that were good.

We are honest and realistic about who he was, but still honor the good, the lovely and the praiseworthy.

And my last piece of advice is, to be honest with others about the shortcomings in your marriage and your husband.

Pretending things were different doesn’t help. Avoiding the community of other widows hurts your healing journey. I have found that since I took the steps to be more open about my late husband, other widows have been more open about sharing things that could have been better in their marriages. They share how the men I thought were perfect husbands and fathers also had areas of weakness. As others talked honestly, I felt less alone.

So let’s be honest about the men our husbands were…both for the good and the not-so-good.

Heavenly Father, I pray, Father, that You would bring good memories to mind. I ask that You would allow us to focus on the good, right, and noble in our late husbands. But I also ask that You help us to be honest with each other about the shortcomings. Thank You for bringing us all together and giving us the chance to draw comfort and peace from others in similar situations. Amen